WORLD WAR PASTA -dispatch #2

Throw it at the Wall –
See if it Sticks


Little Details Matter

Later… every one of the U.N. Representatives gingerly order gluten-free  salad for lunch, not wanting to offend any of the bitterly warring pasta factions nor to incite the tomato jihad (tomahadists). Meanwhile, a group of socialists decides to stage a production of the Scopes Trial (Inherit the Wind) casting monkeys in all the parts. The performance sells out immediately. Gordon Ramsey creates a signature dish for the opening of the play which features unpeeled bananas, Saudi-free tomatoes, sugar cane, and a lot of peanuts. Tom Colicchio weeps at the unbridled beauty of its presentation. (But Anne Burrell finds a hair in her entree.) The Tea Party becomes enraged about the play and, on opening night, fills the theater, protesting lack of Christian monkeys in key roles. The next day, the media falls all over itself trying to determine which side, the actors or the Teahadists, flung the most feces in the ensuing riot.

Bob Dylan and Cher release a song “This is The Story Of The Sugarcane” with Bono sitting in on the session playing Irish tin-whistle. In solidarity with ‘his noble Primates brothers, he refuses to shave his back for a photo spread with Esquire magazine which pisses off Annie Leibovitz enough to stage a walkout with Kim Kardashian, who has just launched her signature perfume Ode’d Oyser Bay (to be worn with her Pasta bone colored table-cloth inspired swimwear, with tomato red embroidered “kiss me I’m Piquant” crotch patch) which causes the Saudis to invade Dubuque, Iowa, seizing the headwaters of the Mississippi commanding true believers to publicly urinate into the Big Muddy- Harry Reasoner (and the entire cast of 60 Minutes) is summoned for a marathon interview:

Italy has just declared Spumoni the National Bird.

An enterprising Italian fashion designer with ties to the Mafia invents anti-spumoni. It has, of course, it’s own clothing line of ersatz, lacy ear cuffs, bold fruit-laden tiaras, 2 lb. iron wristlets, grass micro-mini bras, spears in pastel shades, 7.5″ platform mukluks, and elegant band-aids in tropical hues to cover all the female nether regions. Speaking of regions of one sort or another, the Republic of Togo’s Ambassador to the UN unleashes a condemnation speech of gargantuan proportions because Bono and Oprah didn’t invite Togo to their anti-spumoni shopping party for their consciousness-raising charity; the charity being a campaign to educate the great unwashed masses about the personal pain and silent suffering of those with back hair. Bono comes out on a billboard in Times Square – he, too, is one (and for a cool $100, you can get an anti-spumoni shopping bag, just like Bono’s). He is interviewed frequently and often, candidly weeping into the cameras.

At the UN, western nations are not in attendance when the Togo speech is made. An enraged Togo calls in all it’s treaties and declares war on the Kardashians. Togo’s first and most deadly assault comes when it launches it’s own reality show on Bravo, titled, “Trolling with To-go, A Slumming Go-To.” It’s an overnight sensation, changing the way all television is produced and directed in western countries.

More as the situation develops.

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