Under Less Heavy Fire
Finally the Chinese delegation weighs in at the U.N. by issuing the curt, polite yet succinct statement; ” We invented these noodles and we’d advise all of you over-excited round-eyes that Pasta is SO last week, they thank Bruce Springsteen for the new folk song- it has boosted the economy in Beijing by giving the sole proprietors in the CD pirating kiosks something new to share for a few yen.” end quote.
The Chef Boy-r-Dee plant in Dubuque gathers all it’s employees to raise their middle fingers in protest while pictures are taken and sent to the Chinese government. Americans like their response. An emboldened Chef Boy-R-Dee unleashes a new product, “These Ain’t No Chinese Noodles In A Can Spaghetti-O’s.” Dubuque-ians become empowered. They decide to launch their own reality show. If Togo can do it, so can they. They test the waters with a reality Xmas special, “Ho-Ho-Ho Bags of Dubuque.” It’s number one in the ratings. So, they branch out and launch a New Year’s special along the lines of Amish Mafia, “Rebuke Dubuque.” It fails miserably. Sales of canned pasta with absurdly kindly old, fat, Italian chef logos begin to tank rapidly. Wall St. panics.
…And by noon, Australian time, WORLD WAR PASTA is declared. Switzerland declares a bank holiday, with the promise of chocolate microwaves for all new accounts opened before Iran drops the bomb they aren’t developing.
And Bono weeps…bitterly.
The Westboro Baptist Church are enroute, but are turned around when The Pope issues a statement from the Rome Motel 6 with the papal bull declaring that ” All you peoples are tripping, there is no such thing a Gay pasta, and everyone EXCEPT the members of Westboro Baptist church are going to heaven. Please keep the noise down, I need a nap.” And Bono nearly drowns in his own tears while sitting in a lawn chair, and is revived by para-medics by an empty hotel swimming pool. In his pocket is a peniultimate missive penned in disappearing ink. Crytologists are called in to closely examine the contents – which turn out to be a grocery list with Goya Black Beans crossed out with extreme prejudice.
There is loose talk of amnesty by All-Saints Day.
Next Week- Socialist Peanut Butter- and Communist Jelly- Are Our Children safe from Georgia’s Agricultural Sub-cult of Legumes?